Five days ago I packed myself and 2 small children, as well as all our luggage onto a train for a 4 hour ride. Yes I now realized the pure insanity in this! As the miles flew past my frustration grew and grew until I was ready to scream at the world. After our very very long trip I repack our little cart with all our luggage, strap the baby to my back and buckle the harness to Sam and we head to our destination, only mere blocks from the train station... All up hill. I don't mean, oh this is a little more difficult to walk. I mean bent nearly in half to have the leverage to push the cart up the hill, while wearing an 11 month old baby and leading a 5 year old child. I was already at my wits end by the time we stepped off the train. I am truly surprised I made it at all, but there was that stubborn streak that refused to be defeated.
We reach our destination, my best friend, and the boys' godmother's, apartment. A 3rd floor walk up with steep rickety stairs. For the first time in my life I stood waiting un awkwardly. Knowing I looked out of place, knowing that people were staring, and I didn't care. I didn't have the energy left for it. After what seemed hours, and was less than 10 mins, Bekah arrived home from work and carried most of the stuff up the stairs, giving me a much needed break. She even watched the children as I showered and washed off the sweat of frustration and exertion from my body.
But that night Sam regressed to his terrible bedtime behavior and I fought him for HOURS to lay down, eventually it was Bekah that coaxed and bribed him to bed. After a week of excellent behavior I felt like an utter failure again. Bekah reassured me it was the change of scenery and the new excitement that comes with it, but I was dubious.
I felt this was a less than good start to our 5 day vacation and that it all seemed so bleak as I could not handle this nightly. But finally he fell asleep, and eventually I did too.
The next day we went thrift shopping (a favorite pass time of ours) and I came across a book, one that is hardly a secret, but one I never thought to pick up before. "Chicken soup for the mother's soul" I had been deeply fond of the teenager ones when I was younger and grabbed it on a whim as it was only $1.50. I began reading it and with each story my stress and frustration building over the last year and a half slowly washed away on a tide of tears. I encountered women much like myself, imperfect and ignorant of what to do. Sharing stories that either touched my heart, or made me think of our lives. Others gave me ideas of how to be a better mother. As Bekah had to work much of the time we were there I spent my days making sure her immaculate home wasn't destroyed by my 5 year old tornado like ours has been. I hand washed dishes each day and spent time with my children and time reading quietly.
I began to feel a sense of contentment and peace within myself, finding that I COULD be that kind of mother, the one that keeps a perfect home and still does other things (This has inspired me to try harder at home, you will likely hear my adventures in this endeavor) I felt myself reminded that I chose to have my children because I loved them, I remembered what a gift I had been given in these amazing little boys. I also got to enjoy a little Skype and see the love of my life and hear his voice for the first time in 2 months. I was better able to handle the things Sam did that had been causing so much anger and frustration only days before. On the long drive home (no train thank god) we played games like I spy and Highway ABCs and that peace in my heart and soul remained. I found more joys in the shear brilliance of my oldest son, and the heart warming love for my youngest at the sounds of his babble and snores.
I feel like vacation only gave me part of this serenity, I feel that reading this book has helped me even more. I wonder what other inspirations there are for me to find, I also wonder if I will remember to look for them when I feel that frustration building again.
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